How to Keep a Home with Young Children
Running Smoothly

These tips are adapted from my article published in the magazine Pre-K Today. Originally intended for teachers who wish to keep their classrooms running smoothly, these tips are readily applicable, with modifications, to a home environment. I have adapted some of them for you to use at home. You can refer to them in dealing with such issues as play dates, rivalry, and sharing.

1. Make a short list of rules to post in your home. (I am including a sample list of classroom rules, which you can adapt or expand for the behaviors that you want to change at home.)

Focus your list of rules on three or four behaviors that children need adult help to correct. You should include only very important rules that children can and must understand and follow. If you can add appropriate clip art or drawings to your rule chart to remind the child of the rules, please do so. State the rules affirmatively so children know what to do rather than what not to do. Example: "Hands are for helping" rather than "No hitting." Hang the chart at toddler's eye level and go over each rule with your child.

Over the next few days, refer to the chart often. When a child is exhibiting an unacceptable behavior, show him or her the chart. Although children can't read the words, they will begin to understand the illustrations, and will soon point out their transgressions themselves. A list of rules makes discipline neutral and impersonal. The rules apply impartially to everyone in the family; it is not a matter of parent vs. child. Clear rules are far more age-appropriate than moralizing or lectures.

2. Modify inappropriate behaviors.

If your child has a behavior pattern that is a constant source of stress, such as hitting a parent or biting friends, you need to stick to the following plan. Review the rule chart frequently, especially prior to play dates. If the child misbehaves, say, for instance, "Oh, you forgot the rule. Come and look at the list. 'Biting is for food.' If you use your mouth to bite your friend, s/he will have to go home." You will have to enforce this rule consistently if you want your child to have friends and be accepted socially. If your child bites again, you must follow through, and the friend must go home. (Of course, you will prepare the parent and caregiver. Explain that you are working on correcting your child's behavior, and that you may therefore need to shorten the play date.) Your child will begin to associate the unacceptable behavior with the logical consequence of not being able to play. If your child hits or bites you, remind her/him of the rule, then withhold a favorite toy or activity for a day, the logical consequence of misbehavior. There is no need to get angry or make your child feel "bad." Explain that when you were a child, you sometimes forgot the rules, too, and that it is a grownup's job to help children to learn them. Reassure your child that you will always love her/him.

We usually recommend child-rearing books that deal with the problems that parents face with humor, and the reassurance that "This too shall pass," books such as How to Survive Parenthood by Eda LeShan or Loving without Spoiling by Nancy Samalin. To modify unsuitable behavior we suggest the following book, which will help you be appropriately firm with your child, A New Approach to Discipline: Logical Consequences by Rudolf Dreikus and Loren Grey.

3. Give toddlers words and reassurance to help them feel in control.

Competition for special playthings is a frequent cause of conflict for toddlers, because they are just not developmentally ready to share. It is best to avoid using the word "share" with them. Even for adults sharing in often impractical. We don't share a computer keyboard, one person taking the letters on the right, the other on the left. To work effectively and efficiently, we have to compete our task, then give someone else a turn. Likewise, children need an uninterrupted opportunity to play with and explore the possibilities of a toy. If they feel that they will be interrupted, they cannot enjoy the experience fully. They may become aggressive in the defense of, or the attempt to get a toy. Introduce certain phrases to help them through this normal phase in their development. "This is my work" is a sentence a child can employ when another child interferes with her/his play. Whenever the first child uses those words, it is your cue to offer the second child an alternative activity. When the first child relinquishes the contested toy, tell the toddler proudly, "Now this is your work". To further reinforce the concept use children's names "This is Chloe's work &... here is Dylan's work".

Your reassuring tone and actions help young children understand that toys will not be taken away from them prematurely; it also lets everyone know that they will get an opportunity to use a toy. Having appropriate words removes a major source of anxiety that causes tension in group situations.

4. Help make waiting easier.

It's only natural for young children to have trouble waiting for a turn. When waiting can't be avoided, here are a few strategies to make it easier. Verbalize the situation: "I know it's very hard to wait to paint at the easel. Your turn is coming soon. Le's sing a song while we are waiting." Read a book, count, etc. are enjoyable and productive ways to make time pass. Use a kitchen timer to determine length of each child's turn. This will give children something to watch and listen for. (Often, the playing child will relinquish his toy to watch the timer!) Set a time limit: Count slowly to twenty to get a child to give up at toy such as a riding toy that s/he has had sufficient time to enjoy. Usually the child gives up the toy long before you reach the count of twenty.

5. Define children's individual work areas.

To help children learn to respect individual workspaces and to create separate spaces for children who wish to work alone, try using large rectangular floor mats such as carpet samples (often free at carpet stores) or vinyl place mats. This space is clearly defined and protected. Explain that children have the option of inviting another child to play on their mat, but that they may keep it entirely to themselves. (Note: If you place a metal binder ring through the corner of each mat and hang them on low hooks, children can take them down and put them back easily.)

6. Select suitable activities for sharing.

Certain activities are appropriate to introduce the children to sharing. Cooking or baking is a good place to start. Divide the ingredients so that each child gets to add salt, flower, water, and oil, and allow each to stir.

7. Involve children in snack and meal preparation and clean-up.

Toddlers often become bored and impatient when asked to wait for a meal or snack. Include them in the following activities for calmer mealtimes: washing tables with soapy sponges and drying them with paper towels; buttering bread or crackers with softened butter and plastic knives; collecting paper towels using a plastic pail or small wastebaskets.

8. Use songs to preserve the calm.

Transition times can be especially unnerving for toddlers. Some children are so absorbed in their work that they become upset when they are unable to continue, others become confused about where they should be or what they should be doing. Familiar songs help children feel secure and can help to turn transitions into pleasant, gradual experiences. Try singing this song to the tune of "Frere Jacques"

Clean-up time!

Put the toys away,
Put the toys away.
Everybody clean up.
Everybody clean up.
Clean-up time!

Clean-up time!

Education For Wonder
Some of Suzette's helpful hints to make your child's bedtime routine smoother and more successful

Children are on a quest. They want to understand the world beyond them. They love to ponder, pose question and discuss their ideas and attempt to understand the incomprehensible. They are seekers of truth, born with an inquisitive nature that propels them forward.

They are excited about finding answers that are acceptable to them. It's important that parents and teachers share an appreciation of children's creative thinking when they have figured things out in a way that makes sense to them.

Exposure to the world of nature is one simple way children can begin to see themselves as part of a bigger picture. They may not remember all the details of what their teacher taught them about science, but that doesn't matter. What they will remember is far more important: their teacher's excitement when they brought bugs to school in little glass jars, and how she whipped out the magnifying glass so they could see the legs up close. That experience will stay with them because it is physically concrete. It is an important model of the power of passion for a subject (in this case, science) and lays the groundwork for a close relationship with the natural world. The inner feeling of shared enthusiasm and the fun of exploratory learning comes back for the growing child whenever s/he re-experiences the physical activity initially associated with it.

As parents, you are creating memories for your children through the exposure you offer, the atmosphere you create, and your responses. Perhaps your children will always love sunrises because you bundled them into the car in the pre-dawn darkness to see the world awaken over the ocean. Sharing the things that bring us peace and contentment are wonderful gifts to give a child.

These are formative years for nurturing the sense of the human person and his/her relationship to the world. A lifetime of attitudes and philosophy are created from the family and surrounding culture. Dr. Montessori believed this was because of the child's absorbent mind: The things the developing child sees are not just remembered; they form part of his soul. He incarnates in himself all in the world about him that his eyes see and his ears hear. In us the same things produce no change, but the child is transformed by them.

Everyday you teach your children through your actions. You either convey to them a sense of trust, gratitude, interconnectedness, capability, and awe or a sense of fearfulness, disappointment, isolation, powerlessness and complacency. Just as others have inspired you, you have a chance to inspire your children. Take the time to stop and look at the flowering roses and the expansive sky; share love with family members and friends; express gratitude for all that is good in life; cook a Thanksgiving turkey for a neighborhood soup kitchen; stop the car when you see a double rainbow in the sky. Children need examples of how we feel connected to life and love. When you share these moments with them either through direct experiences or through instructive stories from your life, you are inspiring your children by passing on your important messages about what it is to be human.

Our children give us gifts. As parents and teachers we have the unique opportunity to guide and nurture young life. We love being part of their growing; it inspires our own. Children can in fact pave the way to rekindle our inherent hopefulness. We want to stay close to them and their joyful spirits and what that awakens in us.

"But I didn't wake you," says the child, stealing our last moments of cherished sleep in the early morning. "I only touched you. I only wanted to give you a kiss." It was as though he said, "I didn't want to wake you physically. I only wanted to waken your spirit." (Montessori)

Coping with Rivalry, Sibling and Other
a letter from suzette

Over the years parents have asked me for advice on a variety of problems. One of the most distressing to them is sibling rivalry. This problem can also arise with children other than siblings; rivalry between cousins or friends can be every bit as intense as sibling rivalry.

We recommend Nancy Samalin's book, Loving Each One Best, as a useful source of information. I have known Nancy for years and have always found her advice helpful. We have a very similar approach to child-rearing, in which light-heartedness and humor, combined with insight into the child's point of view, carry parent and child through the inevitable rough patches. As a counselor for many years on a parent hotline, I discovered that parents felt better and families functioned more smoothly when they gained insight into their situations.

Two of the authorities whom Nancy Samalin cites, Haim Ginott and Eda LeShan, also emphasize the importance of lightening up and laughing at the fixes we find ourselves in with our children. Frequently, a change in attitude gained through insight is equivalent to a changed situation.

Through the years, I have frequently given parents tips on sibling rivalry. Here are some that they found especially useful.

• Start off on the right foot. If your older child visits mommy at the hospital, wait until he/she asks to see the new baby. Don't put yourself in the position of forcing the baby on its sibling, and being unable to hide your disappointment when he or she rejects the baby. Hold a big brother/sister party, and have friends give presents to the older sibling.
• 
  When older and younger children are together, in nine out of ten cases friends, baby sitters, complete strangers, or even relatives will, with no harm intended, compliment the younger child and ignore the older. This is very hurtful to the excluded older child. Imagine being made to feel like a wallflower living next door to the prom queen or the class klutz whose homeroom seat is right in front of the quarterback's. Then you can appreciate the older child's upset and anger. As a parent, you have it in your power to intervene immediately in order to spare your older child pain and humiliation. If the baby receives a compliment on his blue eyes, say that big brother or sister has very beautiful brown eyes; if someone says that baby sister is very beautiful, say that big brother is very handsome and a good climber. You get the idea. You are intervening not to correct the adult, who is, after all, expressing affection, totally unaware that he or she is inflicting pain at the same time. You are defusing a potentially explosive situation and trying to maintain harmony within your home. To give the simple reassurance, "You'll always be my first baby," can work wonders for the shaken self-esteem of the older child.
• 
  Bullying of a younger child by the older is a more complicated problem. Matters are not helped by the pervasive notion that getting a child to express feelings or vent rage will make things better. Expressing feelings is only a first step, not a goal in itself. It is important to let the older child speak out, but don't be surprised to hear things you'd prefer not to hear, such as, "I hate her," "We should put him in the garbage," or "Let's give her back."
• 
  Try to elicit more concrete responses that you can work with. "He's always in my face," for instance, is not very helpful to you. Ask, "When is he in your face? What was he doing when you were angry?" You can sincerely commiserate with your child; after all, the dynamics of his or her primary relationships have been permanently altered and basic assumptions thrown into doubt. You can put into words what the older child cannot articulate: "It must be hard for you. Younger children can be annoying. Let's find out what's upsetting you and see what we can do about it."
• 
  The existential core of the problem is that the older sibling does not want a cute little rival. That, of course, you can do nothing about. But by resolving secondary issues, you may greatly reduce the intensity of the rivalry. If, for example, the younger child uses the older child's toy, try setting up separate toy shelves to replace a common toy chest; label each child's toys for easy identification; purchase duplicates of hotly contested toys, etc. Having explored the problem from the older child's perspective and resolved as many points of conflict as possible, you have laid the groundwork for sensible rules, such as "Hands are for helping, not hurting," or "We take care of each other in our family." You have created a structured setting in which the older child will feel reassured and empowered, and will be less likely to act out feelings of frustration with uncontrollable rage.
• 
  Build the older child's sense of pride and accomplishment by providing opportunities to help. When the baby needs soothing, say something like, "Babies don't have words, like you do. They can't tell us what's bothering them. Maybe you can understand and help the baby feel better." Let your older child snuggle with the baby under your watchful eye, thereby giving the older some responsibility for the care of the baby. This is a wonderful opportunity for her/him to bond with the baby as well. Reward success lavishly: "How did you make her/him happy so fast? You really understand the baby. You're a miracle worker!"

One final note: temperament is the critical factor in the equation. An easy-going older child may fall totally in love with the new baby; a younger child may go through life blissfully indifferent to the martyrdom the older one attempts to inflict. Most authorities agree that temperament is hard-wired in the brain and emerges by age three. Your temperament is fixed for life, too, so you are limited in what you can do by the personalities involved. But you are not handcuffed: you have it in your power to channel and direct these varied, sometimes opposed, temperaments. Establishing a nurturing, harmonious family is very much a balancing act. Some people have to balance chainsaws on their noses while juggling flaming torches; others never have to do much more than balance their hat on top of their heads. Life's not always fair.

We are blessed to have these wonderful children in our lives. As parents we need all our skill and creativity to work out strategies to minimize conflict in our homes. Above all, leave the tantrums to the children, who are rather good at it. Adults lose the battle when they have the tantrum. Outstrategize, outfox, outflank your children, try not to invade their turf and pitch a fit.

We are always available to you to advise on and discuss any issues that might arise in your families. Please feel free to come to us with any problems or frustrations. Our experience and insights are entirely at your disposal.

With much love,
Suzette

Minimizing Bedtime Conflicts
Some of Suzette's helpful hints to make your child's bedtime routine smoother and more successful

Now that your children are little first, second, or third-year students, their day is chock full of activities of all kinds. It's a good idea to allot 30 - 45 minutes to your bedtime routine to prepare them for sleep. Routine is the operative word. Children thrive on an evening routine; it will allow you a much-deserved evening of relaxation and sanity.

The evening ritual will include a period of winding down, with soft music, a warm bath, or whatever evokes a relaxation response in your child.

You can tell your child that you will spend special time with them once they are safely tucked in bed. It's a time for a few snuggles and reading a set number of books: if you tell your child you will read two books, then two books it shall be.

Parents have the responsibility of maintaining the routine. Please don't interrupt the child's special time, thus breaking the routine, even to answer the telephone. That will convey the message that your time with her/him is not your highest priority.

Parents who return home late from work are quite naturally eager to spend some quality time with their children, but the interaction should not interfere with the winding-down routine. This is not the time for tussling or overly stimulating games.

Anticipate your child's anxieties, concerns, and ploys. Children often complain about sleeping alone. Explain that it is a wonderful thing to be big enough to have one's very own bed, that their grown-ups need their own special time together to plan a happy day tomorrow for the whole family. Provide special bedtime toys that can occupy the child until he or she falls asleep, such as stuffed animals, a flashlight, or appropriate cassettes and simple, durable player that a child can manage. Make these toys available at bedtime only, when you leave the child's room with assurance of your love. (In a similar vein, parry an older siblings jealousy by having special toys that come out when mommy is breast-feeding.) Provide a plastic cup of water in case your child wakes up thirsty. If your child cries during the night, get up to assure yourself that everything is all right, reassure the child, and go back to bed. If the child gets out of bed, walk him or her back as often as it takes, saying, "Oh, you forgot the rule. Go to sleep so that the morning will come fast, and we will begin a happy new day together."

Even if you establish an ironclad routine, provide diversions, and reassure your child, you may have to endure an evening or series of evenings of screaming and tears after you leave the room. Although this is difficult to bear, remember the phrase "This too shall pass." (This period of strong attachment passes all too soon.) Keep focused on the goal of establishing a healthy sleep pattern for your child in particular and your family in general. Your child will benefit by the reassurance provided by the limits you are setting, and by awaking renewed, rested, and ready for a new day. And you will feel better knowing that you have established healthy limits that will help your child, and, eventually, free up private time for yourself..

With much love,
Suzette

Staying in Charge:
How to Guide Your Sitter While You're at Work

Following are some suggestions to help parents guide their sitters and stay in charge, ensuring that their child's day is enriched with safe, stimulating, and age-appropriate activities while they are not home.

- Make a daily activity checklist for your sitter to follow. It is extremely important to do this every day to insure your peace of mind, because you know that your child is engaged in the type of activities that you would do with him or her. Your sitter will probably feel happy to have these guidelines as well, since her day will be planned, and more interesting. Be friendly and specific, i.e., "Dear Anne, I hope you and Harry have a good time today. Please include the following activities: read three books that he chooses, play the new lotto game, bake oatmeal cookies (ingredients are on the table), make a card for grandma's birthday, and if you have time, take out two chairs to watch the construction work across the street. I'll call you at three."

Or you might request your sitter to take your child on a local trip once or twice a week, such as to a museum. Visits to museums should be short. Sometimes they can go to an art museum to visit only one artist's work, such as Jackson Pollock. You should prepare child and your sitter for the visit beforehand. "Tomorrow you will be going together to see a painting by an artist who was spilling paint instead of using a brush". Be sure to jot down the route, and leave enough cash for transportation and admissions. Be clear about ground rules for such trips, including when to go and how long to stay.

Other mini trips to the post office, supermarket, or laundromat can all be learning experiences. Go over with your sitter on the vocabulary and experience you want your child to derive from these excursions. You want your child to be a helper by putting the stamp on the envelope, placing letters in the mailbox, etc. You want him/her to learn the vocabulary associated with the visit. Example: "You can help me to put the stamp on the envelope." Your sitter should explain the purpose of the envelope, stamp, and address. An added benefit, other than helping your child to understand and feel part of what is going on in the world, is that all the school placement tests, including those for private school kindergarten, require the ability to define in as much detail as possible basic things which we as adults take for granted, such as a stamp.

This planning will take effort on your part, but the feeling of contentment you will have knowing you are involved in the planning of your child's day will be well worth it.

- Minimize conflict at the playground and on play dates. Prepare a "sharing bag" of neutral toys, such as pail, shovels, small cars, dolls, etc. Explain to your child that these toys are intended for playground use only, and don't belong to anyone. Without the need to claim possession of these toys, your child will be free to enjoy the friendship of other children. Include a timer in the bag to help children take turns. The timer serves as an impersonal arbiter that helps remove the sitter from the conflict.

We encourage play dates with children in your child's class in addition to friends and neighbors. To prepare for a play date at home, let your child choose a few toys he's not ready to share, and put them away before the visit.

If disputes arise, suggest that the sitter move the play date to a more neutral environment, such as a playground, pizza parlor, or ice cream shop, where toys are not an issue. Keep play dates short, no longer than one hour if that is what it takes to make them end happily.

- Communicate your philosophy on discipline. To maintain consistency and avoid confusing your child, make sure your sitter follows your procedures regarding her behavior. Sitters must never be permitted to spank your child.

- Limit TV viewing. Be specific about which programs or videos your child may watch. We do not recommend Disney videos for preschoolers. They introduce too many concepts that may be scary to our children. Choose educational shows and videos that are fun and short. Make clear to your sitter your objections to violent cartoons, background TV, soap operas, or newscasts, and be sure she understands the reasons for your feelings as well. If your child wants to watch more TV or videos than you want, you can always blame it on the cable box or the TV guide. My favorites, are the Mommy Book, the Daddy Book, or the Grownup Book: " Oh no, the Grown Up Book says that you can watch only your two programs and have only one treat per day" etc. You can explain that grownups have rules too, just like children. Tell your children that the Grownup Book helps us to be the best parents and sitters we can be.

- Explain your attitude toward toilet training. Ask your sitter to avoid pressure, minimize accidents, and praise successes while your child is learning control.

- Discuss your position on food and snacks. If you're aiming for a diet low in sugar and fats, provide a selection of healthy snacks and relatively harmless treats such as sugarless lollipops.

- Prevent Sibling Rivalry. If your sitter also has to take care of your new baby, please make her aware of how extra sensitive she or he needs to be to the feelings of the older child. Here is a typical scenario: When the older child and baby are together in public, frequently a complete stranger, or even relatives, will, with no harm intended, compliment the younger child and ignore the older. This is very hurtful to the excluded older child. Imagine being made to feel like a wallflower living next door to the prom queen. That will help you understand how angry and upset the older child may feel. A parent or sitter has it in his/her power to intervene immediately in order to spare the older child pain and humiliation. If the baby receives a compliment on his blue eyes, say that big brother or sister has very beautiful brown eyes; if someone says that baby sister is very cute, say that big brother is very handsome, and a good climber. You get the idea. You or your sitter are intervening not to correct the adult, who is, after all, expressing affection totally unconscious of the pain being inflicted on the older sibling. You or your sitter are defusing a potentially explosive situation, and trying to maintain family harmony. Explain to your sitter that you want her or him to continue to be the advocate for your older child, giving attention to and protecting his or her feelings.

- Prepare your sitter to handle conflicts, because inevitably they will arise. Transition times - getting coats on and off; leaving to go to the dentist, supermarket, or elsewhere; putting away toys after play - are often difficult. Advise your sitter to minimize confrontation and frustration. A classic book that discusses conflict resolution with children is Haim Ginott's Between Parents and Child.

- Safety above all. Post and review all safety data, including phone numbers and emergency fire procedures. Sitters should know basic first aid for choking and bad falls. They should be instructed never to leave your child alone under any circumstances, nor should they be distracted by cell phone conversations at home or on the street.

- Appreciate your sitter. Find opportunities to praise and reward. Don't assume she knows she's appreciated. By building a good relationship between yourself and your sitter, you encourage a good relationship between her and your child. Although you can never be replaced, you can at least leave home knowing your child is in hands almost as good as yours.

 

  Calm a Child in Distress

During our weekly staff meetings we encourage teachers and assistants to bring in any personal ideas or strategies on helping children transition from home to feel comfortable in school. The following are one teachers suggestion on calming down a nervous child. -Suzette

Hi Suzette,

I am writing to give some of my thoughts on the subject of trying to calm down a distressed child. First, being teachers I think we know that all children are different and deserve individual attention and care. No one method will work for all children. The one thing that is important for all children (crying or not) is a thoughtful send off from the grown up. One is to ackowledge the child's feelings and let them know they are safe and that you love them, letting him/her know that you will be leaving but that you will also come back and then finally hugs and kisses and the departure.

Some children just need a hug and they are fine, others may need to be held for a few minutes. Still others may need more than that. I have had children where coming to them with the intention to soothe them only makes them cry more and louder. They need to be engaged in something and distracted from their own indulgence. They may not want to cry but they don't know what else to do....so you softly and gently guide them. Sometimes giving them playdough or something else they can hold can help relieve some of the anxiety. Some start to cry after running around, so they may need water or something to eat. I have a child now that I learned unless given something to eat after playtrium has terrible crying episodes. After trying other things, all he needed/wanted was to sit alone and eat before he joined in again. Always ask what the child needs or wants and if they aren't able to say ....empower them by giving them a voice. Give them a choice between two things and let them choose. Sometimes even this may not work....they may need to see that you have things under control...ie- in a gentle and caring voice " We can go outside and count to 50 and then we are going back in the classroom...okay." All these methods have worked with different children. You need to first know the child a little, they need to connect with you, with your heart. Most importantly, they need to feel safe with you.

I am sure that there are so many other ways I have soothed a child and so many more ways that I have yet to learn. We all have our methods but it is the child that will lead you to the right one for him/her.

Thanks
usha